Recently I became aware that I might have PTSD.
it is limited and specific. I cannot memorize phone numbers. I have not been able to memorize phone numbers for almost 30 years. me, big brain, never forget anything I can recognize a familiar number, but that is it. I can remember one.. my friend Marybeth Piadrafite, still the same number after all these years. I do not have daily anxiety. I do not live in a traumatized past. Others do. I sometimes struggle with their reactions to things. I cannot comment on what the traumatic event was, as other people are involved. But when you do not know who or what you are, when every belief is questioned, when you know the monsters are real....and that you have no power on earth to protect anyone, not people you love, not strangers, when just putting one foot on front of the other and trying to function in a world that ignores your pain is all you can do, it leaves a mark. I left the church at the time. the pats on the shoulder,,it will all be OK. the attempts to reconcile me with the monster.The fear...of me. damaged goods. guilty. All of this is completely human, I believe Paul understood some of this, He said God said..My grace is sufficient for thee. So, I am not pointing fingers at Christians or non Christians, Everyone played their roles.Most did the best they could. It was 5 years before I could turn to God again. and He took me back! In that miracle, I have been more blessed than ever. I have a family. I have a home, I have love. I am learning, at my advanced age, to be obedient, to use my discernment. Something many children are never helped to learn. Do I have an altered brain that will always turn on me when faced with a crisis? There are theories about brain damage and PTSD. Or is it a lack of faith? I have forgiven, I have been forgiven. Paul was my companion on part of this journey, I still enjoy,, yes enjoy, reading his missives He never healed from his body wounds,He did grow in his spiritual walk, yet was in fear enough, he asked Timothy to bring him his cloak, the world was growing colder, and he had no protection. It always makes me cry.. We are raising a generation in fear... fear of the elites,,, fear of their bodies... drug (and alcohol use) as normal, prescribed or not. fear of being unknown, alone in this big world.There is almost no way for the majority of them in the western world to ever grow up to the point of mature judgement. There is no way for the beaten raped war torn children in most of the rest of the world, either. Anything that offers solace, they go for it. We are alone you know, except for one,,, God. Who loved us enough to pay for every sin with His own body, His own blood. SO surely he knows I have trouble. Is it right to ask for healing? or is remembering also important? At what point do I know? Be ye content ..Phillipians 4;11,Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Working on it, |
Faith and ReasonA grandma's perspective on a few things.. Archives
May 2020
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